Chainsaws, cats and babies

Chainsaws, cats and babies


On a first date with someone you’ve met on an internet dating site, it’s inevitable that a collection of ‘let’s get to know each other questions’ are asked and answered. There’s the usual ones we all fall back on, like “what do you do for a living?”, or “do you have any hobbies?”, both of which I find myself asking but feel frustrated when I have to answer. Then there’s other common topics – family, where we live, travel, blah blah. All of these are rather dull and regrettable, but at least they are safe, right? 

I met one guy for a first date over coffee, and we predictably covered all of these topics. I think it was about ten minutes into the conversation when I asked him “what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”. His eyes lit up when he answered (much more than when he told me about work, as he obviously hated the job and everyone he worked with). “Chainsaws. I love chainsaws. I love using chainsaws!”, he declared, with far too much glee for my liking. While my eyes scanned the room for a potential emergency exit, my charming date continued to woo me with tales of chainsaw usage.

Imagine it – 
Boy: “I’m passionate about chainsaws!”
Girl: “Take me now! Forget about the coffees, let’s elope to a cabin in a secluded forest and live happily ever after…”

Turns out I felt more scared than seduced. Somehow the conversation stumbled past the creepy chainsaws (I think I actually replied with something like “that’s really creepy you know” and made a noise similar to the famous Hitchcock shower scene), and after an awkward silence he asked “would you rather have a cat or a dog?”. Pretty innocent question, albeit a bit naff, but I managed to (unintentionally, of course) really put my foot in my mouth with my answer. (Perhaps my foot was safer in my mouth than out there for him to saw off?)

Chainsaw-lover: “Would you rather have a cat or a dog?”
Me: “Oh no, I’d rather have a baby” [quickly realised what had just come out of my mouth]. “Oh! Not yours!” [crap, not again]. “I mean, not now!” [shit!]. “I’m allergic to cats and dogs!”

So, in summary – we met, he was in love with chainsaws, I accidentally suggested we have a baby, and we went home. Separately. Definitely separately.

If only that’s where my meetings with chainsaw-boy ended…

Here goes…

Here goes…

“You have to start writing these down, Emma. You always have the best stories!”, is a common response I hear having explained to someone what awkward thing happened to me during an outing, date or holiday. Actually, sometimes it’s just while going to work, eating dinner, or watching TV.

I really don’t try to create embarrasing moments with the hope of entertaining friends later, but it seems that in my 30 years of life I have somehow managed to keep the stories coming. Maybe subconsciously I love to cringe, or maybe I’m just delightfully bung!

So, here goes, I’m following the advice of my friends and writing them down. May I one day run out of stories to write!